This Week on Hoarders
Zasio: Well what about this one?
Doug: Justice League Europe, issue 19 from October 1990? You gotta be kidding me, that’s a fucking collector’s item.
Zasio: (furrows brow).
Doug: It’s the conclusion to the extremists arc!
Zasio: There’s a coffee ring over Captain Atom’s face.
Doug: It’s still good.
Zasio: (Furrows Brow)
Doug: What. It’s still fucking good!
Zasio: Ok, well name the characters on the cover.
Doug: There’s the Flash.
Zasio: Mmm.
Doug: Captain Atom, Metamorpho, Rocket Red…
Zasio: Who is this.
Doug: (pauses) Fine, you want to throw it away, throw it away. Fuck you.
Zasio: Ok, he said throw them away.
Doug: Whoa, Whoa, I didn’t say throw all of them away!
Zasio: So we’re keeping the X-men? Didn’t you say you hated the X-men?
Doug; Hates a strong word. Plus, that’s the one where Kitty Pryde has to fight off a lone N’Garai on Christmas Eve!
Zasio: … That is a good one.
Doug: Yeah, seriously.
Zasio: Ok, we keep that one. But I’m dumping all of these Fox Trot books.
Doug: I had Fox Trot books? Why did I have Fox Trot books? Fox Trot sucked.
Zasio: So we’re throwing them away.
Doug: No. Keep them. Maybe my kids will be huge dorks or something.
Zasio: People who hold onto Justice League Europes from 1990 tend not to bear children, Doug.
Doug: (Sobs)
Matt: Now, I’m looking at these books. Thirteen books. I’m going to guess you’ve read… less than a quarter.
Doug: No, I’ve read them all.
Matt: (Furrows Brow)
Doug: Ok, like parts of most of them. I’m getting to it!
Matt: (Furrows Brow)
Doug: As soon as they cut down on those Gordon Ramsay Kitchen Nightmare marathons. I got an addiction!
Matt: How about we just go through these books, pick out the ones you have no interest in reading, and then we can move on to your collection of bowling shoes.
Doug: Those Bowling Shoes are staying here! I didn’t steal them from that awful alley in Columbia for nothing!
Matt: (sighs) Ok, focus on the books. Candide. Doug, why do you have a copy of Candide?
Doug: I fucks with Voltaire.
Matt: (Brow furrowed past breaking point).
Doug: You’re right, I just wanted someone to ask me that question so I could give that answer. Toss it.
Matt: Naked and the Dead?
Doug: Shit! That books probably overdue… by seventeen months.
Matt: Brave New World?
Doug: Have they made a movie about it yet?
Matt: Yeah, one with Peter Gallagher.
Doug: Keep it.
Matt: Oh… Oh what is this? Oh god (dry heaves), Oh god. This is… Oh…
(Matt runs out of the house, and vomits on the lawn).
Doug: I get it, I get it, you don’t like Bukowski.
