January 2011
50 posts
4 tags
Jan 31st
491 notes
3 tags
“It is true that we are weak and sick and ugly and quarrelsome but if that is all...”
– John Steinbeck (via bunnymitford) (via earlyfrost) (via fuckyeahexistentialism)
Jan 31st
4 tags
Jan 30th
3 notes
4 tags
Jan 28th
18 notes
6 tags
Jan 28th
3 tags
Jan 28th
6 tags
As I Lay Falling
… I thought, what did that comedy star from the 1900’s say? You’ve got to fall limp, and on your hands. That’s the secret. You’ve just got to remember, fall on your hands before you fall in your ass. Don’t fall on your back, don’t fall on your head. Try not to die. I’ve lived in Maryland weather for 30 years, and this was the FIRST time when I...
Jan 28th
3 tags
“We all have our little solipsistic delusions, ghastly intuitions of utter...”
– Westward the Course of Empire Takes its Way, David Foster Wallace (via ourcatastrophe)
Jan 27th
546 notes
4 tags
Jan 27th
50 notes
4 tags
WatchWatch
barthel: perpetua: Sleigh Bells “Rill Rill” At long last, a “Rill Rill” video! They pretty much nailed it. Nice bandolier, Alexis! I love this video in part because it’s a sort of mashup of two of my most favorite blog posts ever: the one about how the video for Kanye’s “Flashing Lights” dramatically and patiently explores a single image rather than just cutting between a bunch of stuff, and...
Jan 27th
87 notes
4 tags
Talk about snowpacalypse, my friend Jen has been caught in traffic for the last seven hours. My friend Jacqui has traveled 7.8 miles since 5 PM. And what about poor Josh in Parkton, who is in the middle of a nap on the highway. I’m grateful that I’m not on the roads tonight. I am a little disappointed that I don’t have the option of resorting to cannibalism on I 83. Eat the rich...
Jan 27th
1 note
3 tags
Thoughts on Stepping on a Toothpick in my Living...
Fucking Ow! Shit, land on your toes! Oh shit, that’s deep! Shit, that’s in the heel. Oh shit, I’ve got to pull this thing out. GAH The fuck is this, a toothpick? (Throws toothpick angrily across the room) “No Dad, I’m fine.” (Last thing I need is him flipping out) What type of bleeding psychopath leaves a toothpick on the floor? No seriously, Who am I...
Jan 25th
1 tag
You’ve got to realize that you’re on Intervention, right? Like, all of a sudden, people are filming your shitty life? “No, this isn’t intervention. I’m just doing a documentary about stupid fucking yokels with a Meth addiction.”  I guess if you’re on drugs, things like “Am I on Intervention” never enter your head. This week, we deal with...
Jan 25th
2 tags
Bait Car. Hitler's favorite show.
I’m curious… What reaction do the cops on Bait Car expect from a suspect after they’ve captured him? “OH SHIT REALLY! You guys have had me on tape THIS ENTIRE TIME! Boy, you motherfuckers are clever. I totally thought I got away with stealing this car, but it turns out YOU’RE THE MAN NOW DOG!” I ask this question every monday, because there isn’t a more...
Jan 25th
28 notes
3 tags
Make sure you wrap up, next time you visit Life's... →
I once got laughed at by everyone in my bar for using a condom. Jokes on you, assholes.
Jan 24th
5 tags
Guess I won't Watch the Super Bowl.
You know this might be the last Super Bowl? I’m sure cooler heads will prevail and all, but what if this lock out gets violent? What if Roger Goodell releases the hounds? What if Tom Brady crosses the line and suddenly “disappears?” OH MY GOD! What if the President orders the National Guard to suppress the players, and Adam Viniatieri is shot in the back? All of these things...
Jan 24th
3 tags
I forgot how satisfying it is watching Jack McCoy tear into a suspect, bluff the hell out of them, and get someone to plead to Man 2 when he KNOWS FOR A FACT THAT THE JURY WILL HANG. That show lasted about seventy years too long, but when Jack was riding high on the horse of sanctimonious self-satisfaction, there were few things more riveting. “If you walk out that door, the deal is off...
Jan 23rd
3 tags
Jan 23rd
381 notes
3 tags
“Gazing up into the darkness I saw myself as a creature driven and derided by vanity; and my eyes burned with anguish and anger.” This is me preparing for my date tomorrow.
Jan 22nd
5 tags
Jan 22nd
1 note
6 tags
Half of the dialogue in the movie “Takers” involves the word “Taking.” Seriously Idris Elba, get a new agent. You shouldn’t have to slum it in front of Chris Brown and T.I. and emo Darth Vader.
Jan 22nd
4 tags
That being said, GO TO FUCKING SLEEP, YOU STUPID FUCKING DOG YOU!
Jan 21st
6 tags
I love how my dog looks at me when I come home drunk and looking for food. I like to compare it to the sorcerer and his apprentice. I’m conjuring up magical leftovers, and she stares at me, seeing my magic, and wondering how she can do that herself. Man, I love eating at 3:30 in the morning. So does Chelsea.
Jan 21st
1 note
3 tags
Jan 21st
18 notes
5 tags
Jan 20th
9 notes
3 tags
“That’s ‘cause we all wanna be problemless. To fix ourselves. We look for some...”
– Thumbsucker, via (Fuck Yeah Existentialism)
Jan 20th
1 note
4 tags
Sometimes I think that there is a sitcom going on in another universe dedicated to my life. It’s called “That’s Doug!” and it stars a handsome actor who just can’t get things right because he’s such a fuck up. But he’s endearing to about six million Kratoms, or whoever watches such a show (I imagine, on the universes’ CBS. Actually maybe not, since...
Jan 20th
4 tags
Chris Mohney: So You're Thinking of Sending Sexy... →
chrismohney: We’re so into each other and I just want to tease him a little bit. It’ll be hot. Wonderful. Your naked pictures will end up on the internet. Hah, no they won’t, he wouldn’t do that. Yes, he would, and he will. Or someone else will. Seems unlikely. In fact, it’s mandatory. Your naked body will…
Jan 19th
1,183 notes
7 tags
Publicly, let me state that The Wire owes no apologies—at least not for its depiction of those portions of Baltimore where we set our story, for its address of economic and political priorities and urban poverty, for its discussion of the drug war and the damage done from that misguided prohibition, or for its attention to the cover-your-ass institutional dynamic that leads, say, big-city police...
Jan 19th
2 tags
Jan 18th
125 notes
5 tags
The mix of sadness and disappointment on my mother’s face, as I showed her “Bed Intruder” and “Bed Intruder Remix” is pretty much worth the price of this shitty old laptop. 
Jan 15th
4 tags
Jan 15th
Bored.
Jan 15th
4 tags
Jan 14th
1,913 notes
3 tags
Seanbaby: 5 Self-Defense Books for Women who Want... →
“If you asked Lt. Bullard to give you advice that wasn’t crazy, he’d write on a piece of paper, “CAN’T RIGHT NOW. MOUTH FULL OF HUMAN TOES.”
Jan 13th
6 tags
Damn It. →
He was not an unidentified man. His name was Kevin, and he was the Kitchen Manager at Milton’s Grill, where I worked. He was also my friend.  I don’t care if they catch the men responsible, nor do I care for any condolences, or speeches, or any “He’s in a better place” es. I want you to know that he had a name, and it was Kevin. He was from Virginia. I want you to...
Jan 12th
6 tags
Jan 10th
4 tags
Jan 10th
90 notes
You know that scene from the Sopranos, season One, when Tony is all hopped up on medication, and he can barely get himself out of bed? That’s how I feel every morning.  At least the Ravens won.
Jan 10th
6 tags
Who's on First
Mom: Tell your friends to mail me their W-2’s. Dad: Yeah, you know that they bombed three buildings in Annapolis, Hanover, and the State Office Complex Mom: What? Dad: Yeah, they bombed three buildings in Annapolis, Hanover, and the State Office Complex downtown. Mom: Who? Dad: We’ve been on high alert all day, apparently (Redacted) was on the list too. Mom: Ok, so they bombed...
Jan 6th
3 tags
“I am not going to an East Baltimore townie bar. That place is where women from...”
– My friend Tim, via e-mail this morning. 
Jan 6th
4 notes
4 tags
Jan 6th
467 notes
2 tags
I had the pleasure of going through Oz’ Wikipedia page. I watched the entire series, and I forgot how Rapey it was. Yes, I know. It’s a show about a prison. I watched seventeen hours of “Lock Up” New Years Day. I get it. Assholes are a precious commodity in the pokey. Is that why they call it the pokey? I just thought of that while writing this paragraph. That being said,...
Jan 5th
5 tags
Congratulations to my favorite baseball player...
During a 2006 broadcast, the topic of conversation with a guest shifted from George Brett to singing in the shower. Blyleven mentioned that he had showered with Brett, and the guest expressed surprise. Blyleven exclaimed “Well, there were other guys there! … although they did say not to bend over.” Bert Blyleven, 2011 Hall of Fame inductee.
Jan 5th
4 tags
Things I'll Do with 25 bucks.
Buy two packs of cigarettes Something from Wendy’s Sit at home and watch a “First 48” marathon Zooey Deschenel
Jan 5th
3 tags
Requiem for Gerry Rafferty.
Gerry Rafferty. That’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time. A long time. I talk about “Music I listened to at the Orthodontist Office,” and “Baker Street” was one of my favorites. It’s a spooky, adult song. I imagined smoking a cigarette as I was wading through crowds, looking behind my shoulders and going out with a mysterious woman who was either a...
Jan 4th
4 tags
Listentesslynch: gerry rafferty — baker st This is...
Jan 4th
53 notes
3 tags
Jan 4th
15 notes
4 tags
Things I'll Do with My Winning Mega Millions...
Pay off all outstanding debts Visit the tallest mountains on every continent (Visit, not climb) Buy top floor apartment at the Belvedere (I want to flash my wealth in front of all of Baltimore). Become Drug Kingpin Zooey Daschenal Buy stake in Liverpool F.C. Give 1000 dollars to Homeless Gil, so he can buy 1000 Natty Bohs or 500 crack rocks Get Brett Favre to unretire Invest in Precious...
Jan 4th
Jan 4th
14 notes