December 2010
36 posts
3 tags
You know, sometimes I envy you and Edna. You have the same person every day for over 30 years. You wake up, eat with her, sleep with her. Make love to the same woman. You spend every possible waking moment together, while I’m out running around with a bunch of 20-year-olds who only want a good time and cheap sex sex sex. Girls who can’t say no. Girls who can’t get enough....
5 tags
5 tags
Dad: “Hortense, I enjoyed myself.”
My moms and my pops went to the new MD casino earlier, and came back happy and most likely broke. It’s clear, however, that they enjoyed the hell out of each other’s company. Awwww, my parents love each other! Swoon. It’s not true love by societies standards, but its fucking worked for 36 years. We should all be so lucky.
1 tag
The Ballad of Doug
Oh, I’m…
Currently writing on my tumblr, switching back every once in a while to check out my OKCupid page views, drinking tea, and waiting for the Maryland Unemployment Insurance people to answer their phones, because they’re screwing up my monetary eligibility, which isn’t much to begin with, but come the fuck on.
5 tags
4 tags
3 tags
5 tags
5 tags
4 tags
12 tags
Movie Plots I Just dreamed Up, Pt. 2: Bartending...
I just had a weird nightmare, so I decided to share it with the tumblrati.
Exactly ten minutes ago, I woke up from a terrible nightmare. I was bartending. It was my first night. What was awesome about it was, It was staffed by all of my friends who currently work the industry. My buddy Josh was the other bartender, My friend Jennifer was my server, my friend T (That’s his name) was the...
4 tags
And now, a quote from my Mom.
“Doug, I mean… Neal… I mean… What’s the dog’s name?”
“Chelsea.”
“Oh yes, Chelsea, Neal’s home!”
This just happened.
5 tags
Sometimes living with your parents pays dividends.
This hundredth post is dedicated to my father.
So the library has been calling him, claiming that he didn’t return his violent Tom Clancy fascist book. In typical black man fashion, he says “Oh haaaaaaaail no.” He disappears for a half hour, finally returning, dressed in a sweatshirt, a skull cap, a pair of socks, and his ratty underwear. He has a copy of his library receipt...
4 tags
So I finally saw "Shutter Island."
Pretty decent genre exercise. It hits the notes, but doesn’t go out of its way to make anything new. This becomes a problem, because twenty-five minutes into the film, you have a good idea of what’s going on. Once it becomes obvious, there’s really not much point to the film aside from figuring out how it goes down. Thar be Spoilers:
It happens right after you find out his...
3 tags
Because... Why not?
Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote
The droghte of March hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour
Of which vertu engendred is the flour,
Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the Ram his halve cours yronne,
And smale foweles maken melodye,
That slepen al the nyght with open ye
(so...
3 tags
“It’s at 2:30 which kinda sucks. I don’t really sweat Lunar Eclipses...”
– That was me, a couple minutes ago. I like myself a solar eclipse, none of that partial shit either. I don’t go outside until the sun is covered completely by the moon. Sure, a lunar eclipse is cool, but that shit happens like every five years, knawwhati’msayin?
Plus, this shit happens...
3 tags
“Do unto others…” is a good rule of thumb. I live by that. Forgiveness is...”
– Ricky Gervais, “Why I’m An Atheist” (via aatombomb)
8 tags
"White supremacists urge Thor boycott over casting... →
ryking:
This is not a story from The Onion.
Oh White Supremacists. What happened to you? I know shit hasn’t gone your way since Hitler ate a bullet, but boycotting Thor? Don’t you have anything better to do? DADT got repealed, shouldn’t you be focusing your energies on that? Obama’s still the president! You think Nathan Bedford Forrest would let that happen? It’s...
3 tags
everygreatsongever answered: I think the thing I didn’t expect about unemployment is how it eats at your sense of self-worth. It’s as much a grind as any dead-end job.
The thing I didn’t expect was the disconnection with the rest of society. Yesterday I was having a nice conversation with some young ladies, and someone mentions the root canal they had a couple months ago. I say “I...
4 tags
Life's Grand Parade
I keep on getting these e-mails for this sales position in my area. They need a person who is experienced with the Parkville “market.” FYI, the Parkville “market” is basic light, Doritos, and Mountain Dew.
I’ve been unemployed for a year. The luster has been taken off my vacation time. I’m tired of getting on the bus to hang out with people who have money and...
3 tags
I'm watching my first full episode of Oprah
ajokelife:
She is a sex prude and a relationship prude and a love prude. Why do people watch this person?
It’s either that or Judge Joe Brown.
1 tag
The Assassination of Yogi Bear by the Coward Boo... →
3 tags
Has a rapper used Joran Van Der Sloot in any of...
If not, I believe now is the time.
5 tags
5 tags
4 tags
Doug's comedy debut.
It was the most prepared I’d ever been. I had my set. I kept it simple. I was going to do the Asian Handjob story that kills everyone of my friends whenever I tell it. I’ve got cynical, know it all friends, so when you have something that people are still talking about three years later, you know you have comedy gold. I even managed to get the entire bit under five minutes… I...
4 tags
I'm thinking about doing an Open Mic tonight
Stand up that is. And as soon as I typed that, my stomach started cramping and diarrhea is coursing it’s way through my anal veins. Awesome.
Now any regular reader of Life’s grand Parade should know by now that I’m not funny. I’ve heard that I’m a pretty funny drunk, and fortunately I’ve got nary a dime for alcohol tonight. So my plan is to walk up on stage,...
4 tags
Yours truly ranting about overpaid steroid freaks... →
4 tags
Fuck
One of my Jamaican cousins just became born again. This means that my next trip to Jamaica’s going to be ultra lame and filled with bible quotes and chickens (I mean, thousands of chickens just clucking around and pissing me off. Ahh, the Country).
This means nothing to you, but who else am I going to vent to? That’s why I missed you Tumblr.
2 tags
I MISSED YOU SO MUCH TUMBLR!!!
Seriously, No way I’m going back to Angelfire.
Does Angelfire still exist?
I loved people who said “Oh my god, what’s taking so long?” I don’t know, but more importantly YOU don’t know. You’ve got no goddamn clue what keeps the internet running. If you have any idea, feel free to pipe in. Otherwise Shut
the fuck
up.
8 tags
In Which I finally get around to Reviewing...
I saw Kick-Ass yesterday morning. It was alright. I don’t know, maybe I’m too jaded. I felt no emotion when the 11-year old, ‘Hit Girl’ was slaughtering people. And don’t get it twisted, I’m sure most people had strong emotions about seeing the flower of innocence turned into an unstoppable killing machine. I couldn’t help like the movie played it too...
4 tags
8 tags
