Dude, I don’t know WHAT happened, but I may have given my cab driver 50 dollars yesterday (it was a 22 dollar cab ride, I thought I gave him 30). Either that, or I dropped 20 bucks in the cab, I don’t fucking know, but no wonder the guy was so fucking happy about an eight dollar tip.
In last night’s Blue Jays-Twins game, three Toronto relievers combined to bring you this disgusting eighth inning: walk, walk, sac bunt, walk, wild pitch, walk and wild pitch, stolen base, walk and wild pitch, stolen base, walk, walk, single, walk, strikeout, groundout. It was remarkable, really.
So, in 1991, my little league team was playing their last game of the season. We were hammering this team by like, 11 runs. Our pitching and defense were pretty phenomenal all day.
So, in the last inning, I moved to catcher, and our pretty good pitcher was replaced by the coach’s son, this scrawny, short, dorky kid with the type of glasses you’d see on Step by Step. He proceeded to walk every single person who stepped up to bat. It wasn’t even close. The balls would sink before they reached the plate. The kid was tearing up on the mound, and I was just screaming at him to throw it over the plate.
Anyway, when he finally did, the batter knocked it out of the park. Walk off home run. Everybody on our team cried.
My brother got chitlins from Lexington Market. Score. It came with pasta salad. He said “Oh, you can have that, I don’t eat salads that other people prepare, who knows whats in them.” Nigga, you’re eating the small intestines of a pig and worrying about a fucking salad???
Anyway, I just had chitlins and pasta salad for breakfast. I got the wild wild life.
"I gave you guys free will for a reason. You guys get it, then you complain, "Oh we have too much freedom, what am I supposed to do?" DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, you know, as long as you’re praying and shit, IDGAF. Just be cool with it. But you guys are never cool with it. You’re always using free will to screw each other over. Then you ask me to intervene, and I’m like "Yo, I’ve got an entire universe to run, why don’t you figure it out on your own."
"Anyway, don’t defend Judas. Judas was a squirrely fuck. First, he’d go around town always using Jesus’ name to get free drinks, like some Real World/Road Rules challenge also-ran. He’d always steal shit, like I couldn’t see everything he was doing. He was the WORST, and he’d never stop mentioning how often he was ‘totally stoned right now.’ OH GOD, he’d always be like "It’s a plant, how can it be sinful if it’s just a plant," like, nigga, I wrote the goddamn book.
"He asked for more money. I told him, Disciples don’t make money. He asked how he’d raise his kids, and I told him that disciples are supposed to leave the trappings of the material world behind him. Ultimately, he got greedy. I didn’t screw Judas. It was Judas, who screwed Judas."
Yahweh is the lord God, who grants us eternal salvation if we accept him in our hearts. He’s written pieces for The Atlantic, New York Times, and the Jerusalem Post. He currently lives in Connecticut with his wife and two dogs.
I can’t get over it. Ever since I was able to process the new testament, ever since the story of Judas’ betrayal and death were drilled into me, ever since I saw a movie where Judas commits suicide by throwing himself into a fire, I could never shake off the nagging feeling that somehow this guy got the royal screwjob
Like, the entire idea is that Jesus needed to die on the cross in order for motherfuckers to find salvation. JESUS needs to die, but people are still pissed that Jesus HAD to die. Like, “oh no, if it wasn’t for Judas, Jesus would still be kicking it.” . JC had to get got for our salvation. So maybe you should thank Judas for taking that bribe and turning him over.
Nope. Judas doesn’t even get a cool little Boromir ending. He just dies in incredibly awful ways, whether it be hanging himself in a potter’s field, jumping into a pit of fire, buying a field, tripping over a rock, and bursting into flames… WHATEVER. And all that Christian forgiveness goes right out the window. Everytime you hear about the guy afterwards, he’s roasting in hell with Brutus and Fredo and Big Pussy.
You know, story wise it doesn’t work either. Like, Judas is barely mentioned before the heel turn. If I were editing it, I would suggest that Judas be like, Jesus’ boy from back in the day, so when it finally comes, people are like “No, not Judas! He was my favorite character!” I mean, I know it’s not supposed to be entertaining, but at least add a little flair to it, that’s how you convert the gentiles!
Naturally, there are gnostic bibles, that say that Judas was actually working for Jesus, and he was his most important disciple. Whereas Jesus sacrificed his life for the world, Judas sacrificed his life and reputation for Jesus. I like the Dickensian aspects of those stories. There’s something tragic about a guy who’s only role in life is to be universally scorned by the entire world, his name being used for every son of a bitch in history. Of course if you read and talk about those versions, you’re immediately excommunicated, so best stop talking about it before Pope Frank finds out.
Ahhh yes, stations of the cross for KIDS! Swear to god, you young catholics are mollified! Back in my day, we had to sit there and listen as our priest described the exact nature of Jesus’ flesh being torn off a nigga’s back by Roman Whips. We were then asked if we could endure that sort of torture for Jesus. If you said no, you were given detention.