You know what thirty years of watching boxing has taught me? A very important lesson, and one that I don’t think many dudes realize…
I cannot take a punch to the face. Fuck, I can’t take a punch to the stomach. I’m the world’s smallest man. Sure, I could train myself to have strong abs, but my chin would break with most uppercuts to the face.
While most people think that’s a weakness, that’s actually a pretty awesome strength, because when you know you could get knocked out with an accidental elbow to the face at a crowded bar, I’ve used learned to be very quick when someone moves suddenly, and to AVOID FIGHTING PEOPLE.
As a shit talking son of a bitch, I’ve gotten into plenty of situations where people were going to knock the Doug out on his ass, and for the most part I’ve avoided them. It’s not worth it. It’s never worth it. One punch can send you into the daisy pushing business.
You know what’s awesome about boxing (and a small way, UFC)? There’s rarely a fighter that is so good that he’s unbeatable. Ali, the slipperiest motherfucker in the world, got beaten against Frazier and destroyed against Holmes. Mike Tyson, a guy who had the punching force of a goddamn mac train, could be dragged into the later rounds, worn down, and knocked out. It doesn’t matter how tough you are, there’s always a motherfucker out there who is tougher. If you live your life not getting knocked out, consider yourself lucky. All it means is that there was a guy out there who you never met, who could Oberyn your skull with one swift jab to the jaw. Relax that ego a bit and maybe decide that your pride is never as important as your life. Don’t take shit, but know when to say when.
The best part about the rocky movies is that it convinced three generations of assholes that they can take a million punches.Then they go to Fells Point, talk shit to some dude who has a neck tattoo and nothing to lose, and that guy knocks him out into eternity. I think Eddie Murphy had a joke about that somewhere.
Look, I’ve got a long strained relationship with the Rocky movies. First off, we all know it’s just a movie designed to appeal to WHITE motherfuckers who were pissed off that Ali was kickin’ ass, taking names, and calling US war policy bullshit. That was Apollo Creed in a nutshell. White people had to design a motherfucker to be brash and loudmouthed so he could lose to “The Italian Stallion.” Don’t think you snuck that by us guys, we’re well aware.
I’m fine with the rocky movies. I thought the first one was really good. The scenes where he’s flirting with Adrienne, even though he was an awkward douchebag, hit me in the heart. One was good, two was good, three had Hulk Hogan and Mr. T and was amazing.
Then 4 came. I saw 4 in theaters, and let me tell you, the excitement I felt disappeared after Apollo Creed was not just defeated, but put in the motherfucking earth by the picture of Aryan brotherhood. I can’t even remember the rest of the movie, just James Brown singing, Apollo Creed dressed up like Uncle Sam, and the worst fucking boxing match to ever hit the silver screen.
Here’s the thing, the Rocky movies are terrible boxing movies. Boxing, when you break it down, is not a great sport to watch when it’s produced by Hollywood. People like the knockouts, the punches to the fucking face, and the offense, but boxing is a sport about defense. If you can’t defend yourself, then there’s no purpose to carry on. Anyone can hit, but only a few can defend a 200 pound dude throwing his fist down your jaw.
Boxing is about defending as much as it’s about punching. You gotta be able to put your arms in front of his punches, because otherwise you’re going to be dead really quickly. It’s integral to the sport. In fact, being able to defend adequately is responsible for 80% of the knockouts. A guy takes a withering punch, then counterattacks. It’s not glamorous, but being able to block without breaking your arms is just as exciting as seeing a cocky motherfucker get KTFO.
Rocky, on the other hand, is a guy who just takes punches. Bullshit. Rocky takes hundreds of punches in all 5 movies. Nobody’s able to take that many hits to the goddamn chrome before collapsing.That’s not a strategy either. You can’t just will yourself to be knocked in the head that many times, I don’t care what a stupid Pennsylvania piece of Philly shit you are. You’re still going down after the first thirty five direct full force first round punches to the face.
Not only does he get slapped around ALL THE TIME, he gets punched and still has enough power to deliver withering blow after withering blow in the later rounds. Guys, the more you get punched, the weaker you’re going to be. That’s a lock solid FACT. Did Ali get tossed around in the Frazier bouts? Yes, but he didn’t take a punch every two and a half seconds, sometimes for every second of the round!
Even Apollo takes way too many punches. And so does Clubber Lang. So does Hollywood Hulk Hogan. So does Drago even. These guys wouldn’t know defense to save their lives. In the case of Apollo, literally. These guys take an insane amount of punches and are still up. BULLL SHIIIIIT.
Alright, you don’t care, I get it, but let’s not erase the worst sin that Rocky 4 throws at us. Incompetent refs. The rest of Rocky 4 should’ve been about the trial for the ref and the Apollos corner crew for nto ENDING IT as soon as the motherfucker limped back to the turnbuckle. Rocky, a fighter who’s been in a shit ton of fights, had the towel in his hand, and yet he held off because he’s an asshole and probably racist. I don’t have friends who box, but I’m pretty sure if one of my buddies were getting the shit kicked out of him in a professional fight, I’d throw the towel. Now, there’s a fine art to this, you want to let the guy box, but even the most hardened sadist would see Apollo standing there, bleeding from goddamn everywhere, and raise an objection. FUCK that. Rocky let Apollo die.
And the ref. Look, referees are usually scumbags. i’ve seen refs let a fight happen where the guy was bleeding from his eyeballs. But I’ve never seen a ref, even one who really needed the money, let a guy stumble into the second round, get interrogated by a flurry of 2000 pound punches, and hold his arms when the guy is brain dead. Even fights where the person has died have been weird, because it comes from an errant punch. It comes from a guy who was out of his league against someone who was throwing hard fists. If you don’t stop the fight when the guy is struggling to defend himself, well either you owe a lot of money to the mob, or it’s your first fucking day on the job, and you’re a toddler.
"But Doug, it was east vs. west, communism vs. capitalism, STAKES WERE ON THE LINE." FUck you. It was, at the end of the day, an exhibition. A non-title fight. A young unknown warrior vs. a guy who was long in the tooth BEFORE the rocky movies even began. It’s an easy call, and most refs, even back then, would’ve put their bodies between the boxers before letting the dude die in Cobra’s arms. BULLSHIT.
Bad refereeing is unforgivable, especially in a fight where James Brown is singing beforehand. You don’t want to waste the King’s fucking time. I’m surprised JB didn’t challenge him to a streetfight then and there.
If anything, Rocky V was the best, (It isn’t but still, most realistic) because it shows that getting punched a thousand times by a steroid freak with the reach and the punching power of a brick wall shot out at supersonic speeds might actually ruin your life.
Anyway, I left the bar I was at because I COULDN”T WATCH ANOTHER SECOND. Apollo Creed was murdered, and also, Rocky owns an extra tall Radio Shack robot, and it’s really distracting.
Oh cool we’re arguing about beer.
Honestly I love talking about food and drink, but I honestly hate the “overrated” thing. It’s just condescending and unproductive. If you really want other people to get on board with the stuff you like, maybe instead of being an ass and saying “There’s no excuse for drinking/eating x when y is available” just say “oh you enjoy blue moon? Have you tried Allagash White? It’s similar but I enjoy it much more”
Maybe you’ll get someone else to enjoy the things you love. Or maybe not and it’s none of your business. Either way just remember no one was born an aficionado; you were there sipping a Blue Moon with an orange slice too once, so don’t be a dick.
Honestly, I’m still sipping Blue Moon with an orange. It’s summer. That shit is refreshing. My favorite beers in the world are the Bell’s Java Stout and Founders Breakfast Stout, but I’m pretty unpretentious about what I drink as a rule.
I just had a Resurrection and I feel like a nap. Cheap lite beer 4 life.